Question : I am quite a spiritual person. I believe in the Mystical World of Metaphysics and have even transformed my own life with the help of the Universal Energies.
My concern is that my husband does not believe in what I believe. I have tried a lot to impress upon him the beauty of the world of metaphysics. I clearly can see that he would do well with some positive thinking and changes in outlook. But he is quite stubborn about the fact that he is fine just as he is. He does not want me to influence him with my beliefs. I would like to know what I can do in order to help him become more spiritual?
Answer : This is a question that comes to us in many different avatars. All of us want to be happy. And all of us want to be with happy people. I guess that is just human nature. Unfortunately, there is only so much we can do to change someone else, no matter how ‘close’ they might be.
Since you are inclined to looking at life through a Metaphysical perspective, I wish to share with you something that might interest you. From a metaphysical and spiritual lens, we believe that we are all living our lives as per a greater plan. We believe that each of us has had a life-path charted out for us long before we were even born. Some people call it the Life-Plan. Some others call it Destiny, Fate or Karma. The basic understanding is that every life follows a scheme of events as if it is part of a purpose. And often when you start to look at life carefully, there is a pattern to the flow of events.
Suppose you were to go on a holiday to the Maldives. Wouldn’t you plan for the trip before you leave your home? I’m sure you would plan your entire itinerary very carefully. It is a limited trip and therefore you would want to make the best use of your time there. You would plan the date of your journey, your flight timings, where you would stay, how you would get to the hotel from the airport, what you would do at Maldives on each day that you spend there, etc. It is all perfectly drawn out.
Similarly, spiritual seekers talk about the Soul, embarking on a Journey called Life. They say that each life has a purpose to it. They say, the traits, behaviour and even experiences that a person goes through are all planned by a greater aspect of the soul, well before the journey has begun. The plan also involves who we would live with as our parents, relatives, spouse and friends; how long we would travel with them and how we would contribute to their journey and vice versa.
The reason I share this with you is because, I would like you to understand that as a wife, you are in no position to change the course of your husband’s journey. You do not know what he has really gone through in his early years and how that has contributed to his journey. You do not know his Life-Plan. Therefore, if you strongly feel that things need to change, we can only recommend that you help yourself change your way of looking at your husband. Work on yourself to the point where you are even able to accept your husband exactly as he is.
[You might also want to read this piece called “How can I accept that?“ to get an understanding on Acceptance from a spiritual perspective]
Whether your husband changes his outlook or not is left to his Free Will. Allow him to decide when he would like to change the way he approaches life. Remind yourself that your husband is also living by a plan that is perfectly designed for him. Just because your path seems right to you, it need not imply that it would be right for him at this point in time.
I like to believe that if he has chosen you as a partner, perhaps he is meant to imbibe something from you at some point. Trust that he will imbibe whatever he is meant to imbibe from you in his own time. It is not your job to ensure that he does so. Let go! Allow him to travel his journey. And you play your role by being the best partner you can be.
Sometimes, ‘pushing‘ your spouse to change might even lead to resistance from his end. But ‘inspiring‘ him to change by your own growth and happiness might turn out far more fruitful.
NOTE : The questions and answers in this series are compilations of discussions during therapeutic sessions with my clients. These are not generic pieces of advice. I am deeply aware that these answers can seem way too simplistic for people actually going through similar situations. Please comment or connect with me if you find yourself grappling with something I have expressed.
I agree that we should let go and not try to change people as each one is following their life plan. What if they themselves are pushing to change you. How do we deal with that. That again is working on self because we can’t accept them to stop doing what they are right?
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Thank you for that question Pragya. If someone is ‘pushing’ you against your desire, we would call it “Controlling Behaviour”. (Maybe a separate post on this will follow). And sometimes people who enjoy controlling others’ lives can completely hijack their life plan and take them to a completely lost and stuck zone.
It would not be very healthy to accept that, even though we can come to ‘agree’ that that’s what a controlling personality does.
Just as it is sacred to honour others’ life plans, it is equally sacred to honour your own life plan as well. And if you find that someone is constantly bulldozing your life plan, perhaps you might need to figure out ways to draw boundaries, be assertive and stand up for your own self.
1. Are you on track with your life plan?
2. What needs to be done for you to get on track in case you are not?