WHY ME???

“Why did my partner leave me and go? What was so wrong with me?”
OR
“Why did my parents not have enough time for me? Why did they never give me the love that I wanted?”
OR
“Why doesn’t anybody seem to love me and want to be with me?”

With people who are stuck with the “Why Me?” syndrome, I realise that every answer that they receive only creates a new “Why?” in their mind. And it goes on spiraling.

I believe our Self-Talk is crucial to our emotional well-being. And if we often tend to get stuck with “Why Me?”, it might be helpful to look at this habit closely.

Well, to begin with here’s some of the issues with asking “WHY ME?” :

1. It keeps the focus only on ME. This question has a very deep and unconscious assumption that if things don’t seem to go the way I wanted it to go, the only possible reason is because something is flawed in me. And in a very round-about manner it creates an unconscious illusion that the world somehow revolves around me and nobody else has a mind, feelings, thoughts or a destiny of their own.

2. And then starts the endless search for “What is flawed in me?” Here begins the whole cycle of Self Criticism. Most people go down this path in a highly Self-Shaming and Self-Derogatory manner.

3. Interestingly, the most common answer to this kind of an inquiry into the Self, that finds its roots in Self Criticism, usually leads to the conclusion – “I am not good enough!” And many of us have made these kind of conclusions very early in life.
“WHY ME?? Because I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”
(Do read this post on “I am not good enough” being a vicious cycle that can keep us stuck)

4. And of course, now we have set ourselves up in a perfect loop. Because no matter how “good” we become, we often see that the original situation never changes (relationships, parents, life). We keep obsessing and fretting, feeling like a victim, feeling helpless and miserable.

5. And of course this obsession is tiring. “I am not good enough” does not feel like the right answer, but it feels like the only answer. We start to feel like there may never be a satisfactory answer. And eventually if we keep at it, we can even slowly start to get into a depressive state.

If you find yourself in this loop, switch the question instead to, “The worst has happened. What do I need to do now?“ Sometimes shifting the focus to this form of questioning can create movement and can at times even help us step out of the depressive loop.

Check if there are other questions you can ask yourself that can feel more grounded and empowering. Questions that begin with “What?” or “How” maybe. “Why me?” (especially when asked in this Self-Shaming and Self-Deprecatory manner) is quite disempowering.

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And now, here comes the irony. There is however, a specific point where “Why me?” is relevant and is a pertinent question to ask.

Spiritual Masters of yore say that when we have finally reached a state of mind where the “Why me?” and the “Why did this have to happen?” kind of questions don’t matter at all; and when we have reached a state of mind where life moves forward gracefully with the larger flow of life; when we have moved beyond Self-Criticism, Self-Blame and Self-Shaming as a way of improving ourselves, and we are in a state where we can see ourselves and all of creation as ‘Perfect Inspite of Flaws’, that is the time when “Why me?” would be a very helpful question. In this state of mind, this line of inquiry into the Self can take us into a state of Evolution.