This post is in an extension of my earlier post “Meeting the Dark“.
We resist the ‘Dark’ in us. And the simple reason we do that is because we all want to be accepted, celebrated and belong to the tribe. This is the deepest conditioning that every human is born with. And we would do anything to belong and fit in.
Therefore, the first thing that a child learns to do is to shun away all those aspects of him that are not acceptable by the parents and family.
Example #1 : John is called ‘Stupid” as a young kid. John immediately starts an effort into not appearing stupid anymore at any cost. John starts to study more and starts to fear failure. He thought if he failed, he would look stupid and then he would be an outcast. Obviously therefore, John started to develop a very subtle aversion to anything challenging, where he would run the risk of failure. So when everybody else in his class was excited about an opportunity to be part of a play at school, John first evaluated his risk of appearing stupid or a failure in front of everybody at the auditions. He realised that there was a slight possibility he might not be selected and make himself look stupid, so he didn’t turn up for the audition. The story continued for John.
As an adult this tendency became a personality trait. John works at a company and appears to be diffident and disinterested. People often tell him that he is very boring and too serious/nerdy. But John never wanted to be boring or nerdy. In fact he wanted to belong and fit right in and be part of all the fun. But somehow all his efforts to fit right in, had just take a big U-turn and now he is looked at as the one that doesn’t fit in! It just doesn’t make any sense to him and he is confused about where things went wrong.
Example #2 : Alia has very strict parents. Both of them are doctors and have a very busy schedule. When Alia was 3 years old, she really wanted her parents to spend time with her and play with her some more. So she threw a fit one day and clung to her mother and refused to let her parents leave home for work. Her parents tried their best to convince her, but Alia was stubborn. She really wanted her parents to show her that they loved her. In a fit of rage, her mother locked Alia in the bedroom, switched off the lights and left for work. She had instructed the nanny to open the door after an hour.
When Alia was ‘released’ from the dark room, she told herself that her parents didn’t love her. She concluded that she was all alone in this big world and nobody really cared about her. She didn’t want to be left alone and uncared for.
So she decided to be a ‘good girl’. She never threw a tantrum anymore. She was the prefect daughter. She ate on time, she studied well, she helped her mother lay the dining table…she was just perfect. As she grew up, she never realised that her fear of being left all alone and abandoned was so deep that she had become a people-pleaser in order to stay away from her fears.
Today Alia is 40 years old and is in a very abusive relationship. But she can’t let go. Because her worst fear is that if she lets her partner go, she will be left all alone and will be back in a ‘dark room’ of abandonment. She has done everything to ‘please’ her partner, but none of it worked. She had thought that if she was the perfect partner, she would always have a fulfilling relationship. But now she is standing on the edge of the ‘dark room’ once again.
What are you resisting in your life? This really is a process of self-discovery. Our journey with resisting starts most often when we are little. But it grows into something that just persists as we grow into adults.
Watch this lovely video called “The Fly”. It beautifully takes this concept to the next level. Once you have faced your darkest pains and embraced your darkest fears, you are on the journey to Freedom.
Nothing to resist. Nothing Persisting. Freedom!